I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize