All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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