I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Randomize
