so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
it hurts more in the daytime
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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