Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
