So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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