did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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