You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
