i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
i came on her dog
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
