you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
