I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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