I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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