I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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