I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We're too hungover to prance.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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