I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
