Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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