1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
