He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
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They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
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I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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