According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
