I wish my penis had an off switch
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
