At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
