My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
