I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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