mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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