SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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