My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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