Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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