Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I wear drunk well.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
