someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
