Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I can text with my tongue
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
