You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
