I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
