did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
