I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
