Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
