I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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