At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
