Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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