Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
