when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
