so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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