Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
