I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
