Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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