She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
