The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
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He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
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