you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
