you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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