Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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