I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
