when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
