Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
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