If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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