then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
