Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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