don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
