Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
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The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
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And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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