You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
