Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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